Frequently Asked Questions concerning Children and Parenting

Q: How do I talk to my children about my decision to Divorce ?
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Q: How do we tell our children that we are divorcing? Should we tell them together? And how do we handle their reaction to the news?
A: For the childrens' sake, it is better to tell them together. This will establish an atmosphere of cooperation which is very important for parents who are divorcing. It will help avoid setting up a situation where there may be questions of loyalty to one parent or the other. You will be showing your kids that although you are separating you will still cooperate as their parents. As far as handling their reaction, let the children lead you. If they are ready to talk then let them guide you - try not to pressure your child if they are not ready. Be careful that you are not trying to satisfy your own guilt by giving them too much information before they are ready. The kids will come to you with their own questions when they are ready.

Q: My daughter screams and cries whenever we try to discuss our divorce, is this normal?
A: It is normal for children to not want to face reality. By screaming, your child is saying that they are not ready to discuss it. Be sensitive to their feelings and don't force them to accept the situation in your time frame. Acknowledge that the situation is too upsetting for them to talk about at this point. When they are ready to ask why, they will. Be cautious about sharing information they may not be ready for.

Q: My kids ages 15 and 17 are angry with their father for leaving - they don't want to have anything to do with him. How do I help them through this?
A: This is a very common reaction, however - you can't help them with their relationship with their father. You need to respect their point of view or they may become hostile towards you. Respect their feelings and recognize that their relationship with their father is theirs alone.

Q: I feel I am ready to being dating again, how do I explain this to my children?
A: You definitely need to discuss this possibility with the children. It will be a change in the family dynamic. Have a family meeting, letting them know their input is important to you. Above all if the kids do not feel ready, it may be too soon for them. Let them know you love them and that they come first.

Q: How do I deal with my own feelings of hurt and anger at my spouse?
A:You cannot hide your feelings from the children, but you can practice not judging your former spouse. Just say I am hurt by what your mother/father said (or did) to me. Do not categorize your former partner as the "bad one". The children may or may not agree - just let them know that you need a little time to recover. Let them know that even though you are hurt or angry about the situation, you love them.

These questions were answered by Barry G. Ginsberg, Ph.D.
Dr. Ginsberg, who founded Core in 1981, is the Director of the Center of Relationship Enhancement and of Ginsberg Associates (a child and family clinical practice). As a child and family psychologist, he has provided relationship enhancement therapy and enrichment programs to families and trained professionals throughout the USA and Canada since 1969. He is the originator of the parent-adolescent relationship development (PARD) program.
Dr. Ginsberg is the author Relationship Enhancement Family Therapy (John Wiley & Sons, 1997), and 50 Wonderful Ways To Be A Single-Parent Family (New Harbinger Publications, 2003) as well as numerous articles about relationship enhancement and family therapy.

Frequently Asked Questions concerning Custody

Q: Can you help me to understand the various forms of custody?
A: In Pennsylvania, there are various forms of physical custody of a child. They are primary, partial, shared and visitation. Primary custody refers to a situation where one parent has the child staying overnight with them the majority of the time. Partial custody refers to a situation where the parent who does not have primary custody will still be allowed to see the child and take them to their house. Visitation is when the non-custodial parent is permitted to visit a child but is not allowed to remove the child from the designated location.

Q: My wife and I plan to share custody of our child. What exactly does that mean?
A: Shared custody is a situation where both parents have custody of their children a substantial amount of time. Shared custody does not mean equal time and is determined from the amount of time each parent has the child over the course of a calendar year. A shared custody arrangement can be anywhere from one week with one parent with the other week with the other parent to school year with one parent and all other holidays and summer vacation with the other parent. Each case is individual so what works best for one case does not necessarily work for another case. In order for shared custody to work, according to the courts, the parents must have a certain amount of cooperation between themselves.

Q:. Can you define legal custody vs. physical custody and what determines which parent will have legal custody?
A: Legal custody is completely different from physical custody. Legal custody involves the major decision making processes of parents - such as where the child will go to school, what doctors he/she may see, what their religious upbringing may be, etc. Most parents will have joint legal custody unless there is a compelling reason not to award a parent this right. Situations where this has occurred is when a parent has an active substance abuse problem or if the parent is incapable of making rational decisions regarding the child. These are tricky situations and may require medical testimony and court intervention, which takes it out of mediation.

Q: What is the most typical custody situation?
A: In the courts, a typical custody situation is one parent is primary and the other parent has partial custody on every other weekend, one night per week from after school (if school age) to about 7:00, one week of vacation and alternating holidays. In order to be considered for a shared custody arrangement, both parents would need to average 146 overnights during the course of a calendar year. In Pennsylvania from a physical custody standpoint, it is still the overnights that control the determination of custody and not how much time a parent spends with the child each day.

The following are formal definitions:

Child:
Any unemancipated person under 18 years of age.

Legal Custody:
The legal right to make major decisions affecting the best interest of a minor child, including, but not limited to, medical, religious and educational decisions.

Partial Custody:
The right to take possession of a child away from custodial parent for a certain period of time.

Physical Custody:
The actual physical possession and control of a child.

Shared Custody:
An order awarding shared legal or shared physical custody, or both, of a child in such a way as to assure the frequent and continuing contact with and physical access to both parents.

Visitation:
The right to visit a child. The term does not include the right to remove a child from the custodial parent's control.

Questions about Finances and Taxes

Q: Why should we work with a neutral accountant for our Divorce?
A: neutral accountant looks at the entire tax picture for both partners and crafts a strategy that helps them both minimize tax and maximize disposable income. If both partners go to separate accountants they will most likely end up paying more in taxes than necessary.

Q: Why should we "tax effect" our assets before we divide them?
A: If one partner is getting an investment property worth $500,000 they will be faced with a capital gains tax of 20% when the property is sold. Therefore, that asset is truly only worth $400,000. That person will be losing $100,000 if taxes are not taken into account before dividing them.

If a couple does not have assets that exceed $250,000, it usually not necessary to "tax effect" the assets before dividing them.

Q: Is it necessary to use an accountant from Alpha if we have an accountant that we both trust?
A: We recommend using an Alpha accountant for two very important reasons. First, Alpha accountants keep current on Divorce law which affects important financial decisions like support and asset values. Most accountants only know IRS law which is quite different. Secondly, Alpha accountants are truly neutral so there is no chance that they will favor one person over the other.

Q: What are the 2007 standard deductions?
A: For singles, the new deduction is $5,350 up $200 from 2006; and $10,700 for married couples filing jointly, which is an increase of $400 from 2006.

Q: Do I need to notify the IRS if I get a divorce?
A: You should report your legal separation or divorce to the IRS to establish your separate financial status, particularly if you previously filed joint returns in the past. You may do so by sending a statement along with IRS form 8822 (change of address). Send the form to the IRS center where you usually filed your return (all IRS service centers addresses are on page two of this form).

Q:Will the "innocent spouse" rule protect me from tax liabilities that my ex incurred when we filed jointly in the past?
A:Many married couples choose to file a joint tax return because of the benefits this filing status allows. Both parties are jointly and individually responsible for the tax and any interest or penalty due on the joint return even if they later divorce, even if one party was pulling shenanigans that the other knew nothing about. This is true even if a divorce decree states that a former spouse will be responsible for any amounts due on previously filed joint returns. One spouse may be held responsible for all the tax due. Luckily, the so-called innocent spouse relief may limit your liability for taxes that were understated due to information your ex provided. If you are divorced, legally separated, or living apart for at least 12 months, innocent spouse rules may also limit your liability for unpaid taxes to your own individual liability.

Questions about Qualified Domestic Relations Orders (QDRO)

Q: Why Do I Need A QDRO?
A: Both you and your spouse (or former spouse) have certain rights to benefits under a particular retirement plan. The person who earned the retirement benefit through his or her employment is called the "participant." The other person is referred to as the "alternate payee." Federal laws governing retirement plans prohibit a plan from paying benefits to anyone other than the participant-unless otherwise directed to do so under a QDRO. Accordingly, a QDRO allows the plan to pay benefits to the alternate payee.

Q: What is a QDRO?
A: Qualified Domestic Relations Order (commonly known as a QDRO) is a special Order for dividing most retirement plans including pensions, 401(k)s, 403(b)s, and deferred income plans. These Orders require the approval of both the Plan Administrator as well as the Court.

Q: How does it Work?
A: In the QDRO process, the approval of the plan administrator is the most important. The Administrator is looking for language specific to the plan regarding the proposed division. QDRO's can take up to 18 months to be put into place. One company's QDRO is not the same as another company's QDRO. Each is individual and particular to the plan and company. The QDRO process does not have to be overwhelming and there are steps you can take to decrease the length of time a QDRO takes. The first thing each participant should do is inquire within their company to see if the company has a sample QDRO that has the language that is specific to them. Another thing that will speed the process up is obtaining pre-approval of the QDRO from the plan administrator. By getting the QDRO pre-approved, a party will then only have to file with the Court one time for entry of the Order. Some companies do not provide sample QDRO's and/or do not pre-approve the QDRO. In those situations, the process can take longer especially if the original Order, which is entered, needs to be amended for language.

Q: What could happen if I do not get a QDRO done?
A: Without a QDRO you may lose a substantial amount of money and jeopardize your future security.

To learn more about "Qualified Domestic Relations Order visit the United States Department of Labor website at http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/publications/qdros.html.